England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
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You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡