After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
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One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Home #decor warning.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
😩😩😩
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average