Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
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ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Stop it! 😂
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Vodka burrito was a success
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!