I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
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I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail