Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
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– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”