It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
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*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
cry laughing at this shit
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
This pepper has seen some shit
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
I can’t stop watching this.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.