The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
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the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Alexa: *deep breath*
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.