[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
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Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
British people be like I’m Bri ish
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
*me flirting
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.