My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
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if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
But wait…
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend