Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
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pictures of spider-man
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
can I use a minion as a tampon
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Please do it!