Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
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Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.