Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
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Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.