My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
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When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
😲 WTF? 😆
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
definitely did not do anything wrong
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.