Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
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[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”