I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
You Might Also Like
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
the dark web is just a goth google.