“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
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omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.