Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
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Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.