God has abandoned us.
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Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
me doing my best
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.