9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
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every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”