*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head