“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
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Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A