No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
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I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Cause of death: Zumba
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts