Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
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Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Netflix: We have Less
i’m laughing very hard in real life
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.