One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
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New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
PLOT TWIST:
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
They did not miss in the small print
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)