*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
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The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”