mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
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Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.