I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
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Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Good morning, Twitter x
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what