You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
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6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.