My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
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Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.