I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
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The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
We cut our bangs at dawn.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.