The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
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The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.