6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
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What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Krampus.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
What the dentist sees
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.