[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
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your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt