I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
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I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Breaking news:
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.