I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
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Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney: