This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
You Might Also Like
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot