Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
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I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
anyone else like Italian cereal
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it