if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
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Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.