You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
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“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”