One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
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Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
a god among men
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
New mindset, who dis?
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.