*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
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My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.