Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
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Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
man: wait
time: no
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/