Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
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me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Me too 😆
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆