I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
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escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.