Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
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My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.