*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
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Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.