Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
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My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me