*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
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An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…