Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
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“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call