Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
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My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body